Day 9 is Growth

I am not in a six figure job, this much should be made clear. I make enough with my husband to be comfortable, to be cautious with our spending but not in danger of needing assistance. Its a fairly good place to be. I never enjoyed have to worry about what came next, or where funds would come from.

And I feel like I am dying most days

Stifled and unable to breathe.

Like I said earlier, I don’t dream.

I so want to dream. I crave the feeling of optimism I once knew. And instead I am alone and lonely, almost literally chained to a cubicle under awful office lighting without even a window near me to alleviate the beigeness of it all. I have on occasion have people tell me I should smile more often.

Who can smile when they are aching and broken? When your soul is being inflicted with death by a thousand cuts? And yet I know that I have to start thinking differently to try and get out of this. There is no way to step away from the job– a very large portion of the income is tied up with necessities. We cut where we can but it will never be enough to be able to say “Peace out, cub scout” and drop the mic of resignation. I will never get there until certain expenses go away, and there is no controlling those.

Its actually where I struggle most with this tool of minimalism– so much of the advice are things like “cut out your weekly manicures!” (I occasionally buy a 99c bottle of nail polish?) “Skip the morning latte” (we’ve always brewed our own coffee at home) “Don’t eat out as often. (We do eat out once a week, but it is our only meal of the day. I suppose I could cut that but who wants to go without eating for a day?) I struggle to apply this tool to my life. Its the practical and the beliefs both; there are days I am jazzed to make more space in our place, to see the physical manifestation of margin. But its that mental margin that I need.

I don’t remember where I read it, but somewhere I read that God works in the white spaces of our lives, that the important things happen in the margins because it is the only space for those things that are not planned. And its that mental space, that emotional margin that will allow for actual growth. Not the fake growth of “I learned a new facet of Excel” or “I am reading up on ways to make better Powerpoints” but ACTUAL growth.

I’m still looking.

 

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